爱要怎么说出口

叫我怎么能不难过
你劝我灭了心中的火
我还能够怎么说 怎么说都是错
我还能怎么做 怎么做都是错
你对我说 离开就会解脱
如果要我 把心对你解剖
试着自已去生活 试着找寻自我
（何必）别再为爱蹉跎
只要改变这结果 我会说我愿意做
我受够了寂寞

只是 爱要怎么说出口 我的心里好难受
如果能将你拥有 我会忍住不让眼泪流
第一次握你的手 指尖传来你的温柔
每一次深情眼光的背后
谁知道会有多少愁 多少愁

:'(

今早，一场恶梦起来后，不管怎么再也睡不着了。。 讨厌的话题一一的不停在我脑袋打转着。。 不管怎样，他们的谈话怎样也挥散不去，真得十分讨厌！ 原本心情一平复了些， 可是我弟昨晚又再次的强调我。。 让我心情更坏了， 真地造成了伤痕。。 可是我是讨厌话中的你还是在聊你的他们呢？ 连我也无法确定。。 你的出现影响了我原本的生活。。 我也不懂要和谁诉说。。 只能自己沉默的人着气。。 还得像现在和之前不断为了你而吵架。。 他当然不晓得我是因为你才变得如此无理取闹， 我也没打算告诉他。。 你们可说是师徒， 我也感觉到他有宠你之心。。 他曾说过你是他爱徒。。 这句话也影响了我好一段长的时间， 令我久久也无法找回我信心。。

我甚至怀疑我自己是否和你的合配。。 我一直都很失落， 害怕你不属于我。。 不管发生了什么事， 你如何改变，随时间的过去，你还是会往后倒一些，变回以前的你。。 我不敢告诉你， 也不想告诉你， 我会努力的试着接受。。 我不想再听见你所下的诺言，这会令我跟难过， 因为你办不到。。 而你又不知道这对我会造成创伤。。 开始，我已渐渐感觉到我对你 - 有点冷了。。 感觉到， 也许未来的我，身边或许没有你。。 我也不再把持着你不放了。。 也许，爱是不能硬挽的。。 我对你开始淡了？ 我不晓得。。 现在的心情， 真的好酸好酸， 眼泪也不尽的流着。。 可是又有谁知。。 毕竟已开始了， 会尽量扶着你上路。。 等到也许有一天你不再需要我时， 我会默默地离开。。 我曾经如此爱你， 希望你是我的一切， 可是我却我法令你把我当成是一切。。 至今我还是失败者。。 待我再也无力去挽着你的心时， 我会放手。。 虽然会很痛。。 竞是一种对你我的解脱。。 开始觉得很歇力了。。 有点疲倦。。

察觉到，也开始肯定 - 改变后的你，还是有如往前。。 一旦关于武术的， 你就会眉飞色舞似的扑着去。。 我输得彻底， 彻彻底底的输了。。 输了。。 也许你不赞同， 是因为你不知道。。 我已静视够久了， 没误会你。。 虽然你待我也是真心。。

对不起，我爱你。。 可是开始累了。。

jEsuS LovEs mE~

lol.. first to say.. im not christian.. but this song almost role on entire day of mine.. looks like i really mizz my kindergarden-hood.. jesus-loves-me, i learn this when i was kindergarden.. couldnt remember all wats happen b4.. just knew tat every fri, we will all gather around kind of passage way or something n sang this song together.. but wat i only know is how to sing'' yes jesus loves me'' lol.. think bcuz i always ponteng by crying for dont wanna attend the sch.. i still remembered it bcuz everytime when about to leave the door.. i sure start crying n make lots of excuse avoid going to sch.. when i tries to resemble back.. my memory now was kinda blur.. i hate wearing socks n i alwayz stomach ache after having milo as my breakfast.. i had forgotten this was only the excuse or the reason y i dont like schling.. but this already my habit.. i dont drink milo for my breakfast n i dont ever wear those kind of socks.. it makes me sick~ LOL.. just now morning when i wake up i wonder wats make me mizz my kindergarden so much.. i checked back my class photo during my young age.. i was not in the pic.. i hasnt attend the sch again.. i saw the boy.. my only fren for my whole term kindergarden.. i already start acting cool by tat time.. so i have no fren.. if not mistaken he was a class monitor by tat time.. cant remember tat he came to talk to me or been ordered by teacher to do so.. he just very kind.. after this, i just dont so hate to b at sch anymore.. thinks it was quite mature of him.. his those type of not plaful n talkative.. just concern n sweet.. still remember tat 1 time after our sch end.. my dad come n fetch me.. still remember with the ninja.. after i go up to my car i saw my dad talking to some1.. was my dad fren.. surprisingly, he is my dad fren's son.. lol.. i push the window button up n down by tat time.. playing with him.. kinda stupid.. but we both enjoy it.. lol.. think this was our last story.. should b tat day was our graduation day or wat.. just knew tat i nvr meet him again ever since..
b4 i go out for my dinner just now.. there were an another story.. the guy tat attracted me b4 just chatted with me.. he told me he broked up with his gf.. lol.. just no idea wat should i say.. i just knew him through the internet last year.. perhaps our similiar way of life n thinking makes me felt curious bout him.. automatically i tries to explore on him.. quite interesting.. qualify by type tat i looking for.. but i wont seriously go for it.. '' he'' is still in my heart.. even till today.. lol.. plus this guy was abit kiddy for me.. keep looking for leng lui.. this actually doesnt a matter.. but he keep ask me to intro some to him.. well.. lol.. if he accept my flirting last time he wont b so suffer by now.. but if this really happen mayb ill act donno n ran away.. cuz i was just joking n not really meant to do so.. but hope he will get better soon.. he is kind of good person.. too good i guess.. 1 of the reason tat not suitable me.. lol~~~ after read over his blog.. i felt so bad.. bcuz of my awful english.. my eng just poor.. felt sorry to my dad n myself.. i have been study so long n even grad on a diploma.. n my eng just stop on my primary or kindergarden lvl i think.. i was so terrible.. wont try to blame on the primary n secondary sch eng education lvl.. there r numerous of my fren out there had their eng improved.. even much better then me.. every1 start pump up themselves after leaving secondary sch days.. but im only the 1 stayed at the same spot for being so long.. i havent start to crawl.. im really a loser.. lol.. nonsense for whole night.. time for me to sleep.. hoping for something will gives me motivation power.. hopes every1 do loves me.. happy valentine to all~

tOdAy~

sigh~ didnt felt like slping again.. actually today my mood was really bad.. before i go to the wushu class have a big quarell with all of my family about something tat not really related to me.. mayb isnt considered quarell.. i just felt very dammit stress n i yeld to all my family member.. at the end i cant hold it anymore n start tearing hard.. of course i hide myself then i hold it bfore get into my room.. therefore i cried n cried n cried.. i cried bcuz i felt tat im such a loser.. a coward.. i yeld to my dad hardly for many times.. how can i do tat n i shouldnt do tat.. no matter wat they say bout me or wat.. althought in the process i may looks like i win bcuz of my cow behaviour.. but i knew tat i lose.. lose bcuz i hurt them n i never meant to do so.. so ill start blaming my self all the way eventhought is their mizunderstood me.. well.. till now my dad nvr talk a single word to me.. wondering issit he still keep in heart or wat.. my heart still bleeding n tears just run out of my eye when i rewind back of it now.. i hope tat i can take back my word althought i nvr direct scold my dad or wat.. after reaching wuguan.. i thought tat ill b much better.. it did at the begining.. but slowly i found out tat it doesnt really tat fine.. lol.. just felt bad.. most of the time ill act dumb stupid or something else doesnt mean i do looks like tat.. i hope tat somebody will know tat im just observing n i had no point to show the real of me.. n i dont wanna ppl know me either.. is kinda funny when i found out tat ppl really play fool of me by pretending they r good.. hope tat u will found out tat this doesnt take any effects for me.. im more to pratical person.. i rather tat u dont entertaint me with ur masked heart.. ill nvr welcome it even ill get any refund.. pls dont fool around me.. the way u treat me ill know n ill act stupid or wat.. n this just show the inner ugly of urself.. i wont set any trap for u.. but ill just act normal n wont pay any trust of u anymore.. n this is ur repay.. ill cont to b ur fren.. but just a fake fren to cont fooling around.. lol.. mayb i really think too many.. but i knew tat some1 start to act like this infront of me.. the fool is urself.. but ill cont b ur fren n figure it out the real reason y u do so.. nightz to the good one n also to the fakers~ ill forgive u all always.. really.. :)

iN a dArK rOoM witH bRiGht MoNiTeR

recently, planned to adjust my timing method to wat normal person has - slp n wake at the usual time - well.. its really hard for me to achive this mission.. my night life stays but i do wake myself in the morning.. this few day, i works hard on my designing stuff.. felt glad for im not such useless person.. thought of life will get better too.. but this feeling doesnt last long.. scold by my dad few hour ago.. wat he scold from his mouth wasnt tat important.. i knew tat he was quite dissapointed on me.. hate this kind of feeling.. will try to b tough whenever met up with trouble.. but everytime facing my dad ill bcome so weak.. once, my heart broke again.. will need plenty of time to cure.. unlucky thing always happen on me.. wonder should i pretend or stay cool all the time to avoid myself get hurt.. sigh~